Thursday, July 8, 2010

When youre dreaming with a broken heart

Every year seems to be filled with highs and lows. The past few years I feel we have seen more lows then highs. I have hoped that life would look up. Hoped that the highs would out weigh the lows... So far that hope is just that. A hope. I am still hoping. Life seems to kick you. Not just when you're down...but especially when you're down it seems to hurt the most. *sigh* It WILL get better. It HAS to right? I know I am being vague. Just know it's a bunch of little things.

I do however count my blessings. When your husband is almost taken from you and you watch them suffer and there is not a damn thing you can do about it...Well that makes you count your blessings. THAT makes you love life even when it sucks. THAT makes you care for every one and everything around you.

I am human. I get depressed, mad, frustrated. I cry, yell, cuss. But I also love, hug, kiss and laugh. I don't know why I am telling you this. I guess I just need to say it for my self. Maybe I need to reassure me of who I am and that it's ok to be me. I don't know.

This was all brought on (as I stated above) by many little things. A few big things as well. One being I decided to go back to school. Sort of a dream of mine. I mean I wanted to go to college and get a higher education for a long time. Time. Time never allowed. Kids, work, family life, never allowed.

I have been working at this job now for 8 months. 8 months of my life waking up at 430 am going to a job that I felt was (to say the least) a sweat shop. I was making 9.00 a hour (one dollar above minimum wage) doing work that should have at least got me 12.00. I know that doesn't seem like a big difference but believe me it is. I was fed up. Having a hard time just making it. I needed a change. I needed to DO something to alter the way my life was going. I couldn't settle for this. I shouldn't, but I was. I wanted hubby to go back to school.

Then I had a thought. An idea. Why wait for things to come to me. Why let life pass me by one more second. DO SOMETHING! I did. I researched a little online. Read a few things. Then decided I wanted to be a RDA (registered dental assistant). They don't make wicked awesome money. They do however make better then 9.00 a hour. The best part is it's something I can be proud of. Something I worked for. Something I WANTED to do.

It was scary at first. The whole time in the admissions office I was thinking to myself "run! Get out while you still can." but I didn't. I signed up, got my loans (gulp), and quit my job (double gulp)! Yep that's right tmw is my last day. I will miss the lovely people I have got to encounter. I will not however miss the work.

Through all this stress and excitement I have had other things pile up around me. Things that just felt the need to pop up and say oh this ain't gonna be easy missy and we are gonna make it even harder. I have to believe I will prevail. I must. After all I am not fighting and living just for me.

So that is some of what has been weighing on my heart, mind, shoulders. As I said before life is full of highs and lows. I have had lots of lows but there has been a few highs sprinkled in here and there. They were lovely highs. I will share those all with you the next time I post. Thanks for listening (reading).



Julie Ann Rachelle Interior Design said...

Good luck Marie!!!!! Yay for you for listening to your heart! :) You can do it! :) :) :) xoxo

ti kaheiki said...

It will get better especially since your heart is filled with a new passion. I know the scaryness of change going through a little of that myself.... but my heart has managed to sing thru it. Yours will to. Hang on cuz u will prevail.

Unknown said...

Hugs my wonderful friend!!! Yay to stepping out and following a dream. Hang on to those good things and don't let the lows get you too low. Thinking of you and sending lots of love from all the way over here :)

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, I know these feelings! Especially right now I know these feelings..
and I totally get the whole school thing. I have let all kinds of things get in the way of me finishing school. Every small hiccup and I would quit a semester again and again.

Congrats to you and good luck. It's probably going to be SO much work, but it will be so worth it! Just keep sticking with it- signing up and making the decision are some of the hardest parts. So awesome you're taking charge of your life like this!!!!


danielle said...

good for you to look at other options! Hope your high get even higher-you deserve it!